Moist Happenings

2004-03-21T06:08:00.000-08:00

Well, it's 6 in the morning and all I have to say is...wait, there really is no word cuz my brain has suddenly turned into a pile of shit. It's that time of the quarter again where I "get" to do my favorite thing, which is working, except instead of a normal time of day it's 3am-7:30am. I would allude that to something like double penetration, and I mean that bad, raunchy kind like in those amature videos where the girl pretends to like getting her insides mixed up.

It's been such a long time since I've actually fully put some effort into writing in here. After awhile there gets a point where you just can't keep on writing how boring things are or how lame they are, even if they really are boring and lame. Just because I haven't written in here doesn't mean there hasn't been a lack of action in my life within the past few months. I won't recount every aching detail, but pretty much whatever's happened I could say has definitely turned my life 180. I'd have to produce my own soap opera mini series to capture the details of this past month. But in the end, all I can say is it was all worth it and it still is. It has gone by so fast that sometimes I look back and wonder if someone just stuck those memories into my brain with some crude meat injector from our kitchen drawer.

It's kind of crazy/scary because I suddenly realize that my college career is pretty much almost over. I have 4 quarters to go, only 3 of which will be in UCI and Spring quarter's coming up quick. I'm happy that I am going to England in the summer and Washington DC in the fall, but at the same time extremely anxious about change. Not to say I adapt badly to change, but mainly that I fear change ("We fear change" in the wise words of Garth Algar, Wayne's World 1). Change can be really good but at the same time can domino effect other changes that may not be so desireble. I wish I could go into detail but really, whoever is reading this is probably some middle aged man from Wisconsin jacking off to the fact that I'm about to write: VAGINA. I have no doubt that I may come back a different person after seeing and experiencing other places and that is totally awesome. I guess I'm just being pussy and worrying in the back of my mind that when I come back no one will remember me, friendships will be altered, bonds broken, that kind of thing. Call me a pessimist but I guess that's just an outgrowth of social paranoia. Oh well. I mean, if no one remembers me or disowns me as a friend I can just taunt them with candy or assume an entirely new identity. i.e. a chinese girl who thinks she is from Africa and only makes clicking sounds and only goes by the name of Manicotta cheese.

But I guess it's that kind of negative thinking that affects how you view life in general and who gets by always worrying about shit? I'm just gonna go with the flow, and if the flow takes me down the shithole, then hopefully I won't be alone, or at least I'll have a surfboard so I can ride the waves of poo. Yeah, the sun came up, that's my only explanation for that one.

Well anyway, just wanted to update this shit. It's no lyrical masterpiece nor is it interesting, but I guess it eased the mind just that much less. I wonder if anyone is annoyed that Im typing so loud in here. I wonder why anyone is actually here (note: time is 6:07am...only hobos and vampires are out at this time). Over and out.

2004-03-18T15:45:00.001-08:00

I love Las Vegas

2004-03-18T15:45:00.000-08:00

Turn the meat...up!

2004-02-01T13:33:00.000-08:00

So I'm pretty much staring at the blank screen while the cursor is yelling at me to type something of even a tiny bit of interest or importance and I realize...well shit, why do I always have to write about something that people will want to read? Wait, who the hell is reading this anyway? I could probably say cock, balls, fuck, shit monkey rim job and I will just laugh all to myself in my little corner. Oh well, even if it's some 64 year old leathery skinned liver spotted man out to get a fix, touching himself to the mere word "Moist", I gotta keep the entertainment value at somewhat of a standard.

2004-01-20T13:09:00.000-08:00

It's amazing how your life can suddenly change in the course of week, even like 24 hours. It's kind of like when you power slide right into a box with a question mark except instead of an item (ie. a cool turtle shell) you blow up. I love Mario Kart.

Go Team Toad Gloves.

2004-01-19T14:06:00.000-08:00

I would just like to share these beautiful tokens of wisdom (SO funny), otherwise known as Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey:

#251: I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells another scientist: "You know what will save the world? You're holding it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are some peanuts. Then, when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken away to the insane asylum.

#426: I only played hooky one time, so I'll never forget it. I hid in the bushes right outside my classroom. And since the window was open, I could hear the teacher, so I went ahead and took notes. When the teacher asked a question, I raided my hand, but she couldn't see me.

#13: If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.

#133: When people say that the desert is lifeless, it just makes me want to grab them by the collar and yell, "Why you stupid, stupid bastard!" Then I drive them out into the desert to where the circus is, and point out the many forms of zebra and clown life.

#60: You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.

#76: If the Vikings were around today, they would probably be amazed at how much glow-in-the-dark stuff we have, and how we take so much of it for granted.

#328: One time I don't think you should listen to your body is when it says "I'm dead."

#74: I wouldn't be surprised if someday some fishermen caught a big shark and cut it open, and there inside was a whole person. Then they cut the person open, and in him is a little baby shark. And in the baby shark there isn't a person, because it would be too small. But there's a little doll or something, like a Johnny Combat little toy guy - something like that.

#6: Better not take a dog on the Space Shuttle, because if he sticks his head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.

#150: Of all the warning sounds that animals make, I think the one that's the least effective on me is a kind of clicking noise.

#390: Once, when I got lost in the woods, I was afraid that eventually I might have to eat Tippy. But finally I found my way home, and I was able to put Tippy back in the refrigerator with my other sandwiches.

#223: If you were an ancient barbarian, I bet a real embarrassing thing would be if you were sacking Rome and your cape got caught on something and you couldn't get it unhooked, and you had to ask another barbarian to unhook it for you.

2004-01-15T13:39:00.000-08:00

Hmm...it's been a whole month since I last wrote in here and sadly, and I mean very sadly I don't really have anything new or exciting to write about ie. divorces, cock fights, gential mutilation stories. Oh wait I do... The other day I totally chipped my tooth and I got scared because it was huge. The lame part is that I didn't chip it like in a street brawl, wrestling alligators or slamming my face into a tree during extreme speed skating or something, I was eating a sandwich and my teeth grinded together. Wow, i'm awesome. So one night i was flossing and this big ass chunk of tooth popped up, in which I proceeded to crap slowly in my pants. I called my parents and told them it wa slik 1/4 of my tooth but it was like an 1/8 and it turns out it was only a filling and now I have to get two cavities filled. Woop dee doo. School started this week and as usual my classes are fairly crappy and boring. Monday is pretty much hell because I go to school from like 9 till 7pm. Is that legal? Should I be notifying some sort of human rights organization? Well anyway, the only thing that I am really looking forward to is my sex class. It's called Sociology 69: Sociology of Sex (how fitting, eh). I was hoping for there to be labs or interactive sex training but I guess discussion will have to do. I'm quitting school and becoming a sexologist, that'd be awesome. K, i'm lazy, bye.

2003-12-09T06:31:00.000-08:00

Hey, look at the time! I'm delirious~ WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!! The snozberries taste like snozberries.

2003-12-03T19:07:00.000-08:00

Today I just have to rant and complain and whine like a little bitch or else I will implode. So basically I am running off of adrenaline, pure adrenaline. I don't think my body is functional anymore. On top of that I have these 2 papers that are like 10 pages long that I don't know shit about due tomorrow and Friday and tomorrow is my crappy ass long day where I become school and work's whore!!!! AH. And on top of THAT it didn't help that I was so incredibly irritated at work today. Like, normally people I don't know don't bother me but for some reason, because I am evil and cruel, I found something irritating about everyone. Why is it today everyone decides to like whisper at a tone where I have to say 'huh' after each sentence. You think it would catch on when I am speaking in a normal talking voice and I have to strain to hear what they're asking. Oh and yeah, the computer lab? I want to blow it up indefinitely. Like, it's come to the point where nobdoy gives a fuck and they just kinda go in whenever they want, not like I'm really enforcing anymore, but like they are like constantly just like being hella shady and it bothers me. And the waiting list. Damn that waiting list and the random names that I have to call out like what the hell is Ja-Ae or Buslkdfjk?? Dude, might as well just make me call out Fuzzy Asshole or something. Some girl like totalyl fell asleep in front of a computer and I wanted to wake her up and kick her off but I was too nice. Like if anyone knows how commons comp lab is they would understand. It's like toys r us the day before xmas where everything is free. People get all crazy and like go on comps that people leave for seconds and they close everything down. It's cuthroat. I'm sick of writing in here. I'm sick of typing period.

2003-11-27T23:33:00.000-08:00

I am going to hell indefinitely. Gluttony is a sin. I have sinned SO many times within the past week, especially today (Day of Dead Turkeys) that I fear my stomach will soon run for president. It is terrible. So bad but feels SO good. Today's dinner was so guiltily scrumptous I slapped the turkey on the ass, threw twenty bucks on the nightstand and broke out a smoke. I don't know who, but somebody bought an entire roasted pig and I nearly stole it and took it to the back like some barbarian. Mmm. It's good to be home, I love the fringe benefits. Free food, utilities, my own room again, the dog, and oh yeah, I guess my family's ok too. It's weird though because as much as I love home and the area I grew up in, I can't help but have a little soft spot for Irvine too. Maybe because there's nothing left in my room but crap from high school and old ghetto clothes I would never the leave the house in, but it's not the same as when I lived here before college. OH MY GOD, am I growing up?? Fuck.

It's SO cold here, I don't even know what my fingers and toes feel like anymore. Socal has definitely spoiled me cuz I get unbelievably cold wearing like 4 layers while my brother's walking around in boxer shorts. But then again my brother also lives in a pile of filth and it doesn't phase him so maybe he's an alien. Geez, I'm so bored. I'm going to go iron my bed or something. Peace.

2003-11-25T17:56:00.000-08:00

Busy, tired, hungry, sleep deprived, lazy....that's all I ever feel like these past few weeks. The lame part is I don't even think I do anything but there never seems to be enough hours in the day to accomodate my sitting around and missing class and spending money I don't have. In a 24 hour day the only thing I can clearly remember is going to class, which is like at most 3 hours each day and going to work. I have this aching suspicion that somewhere between the afternoon and midnight I blank out and am probably walking around in a sleep stupor tenderizing meat or doing something useless like knitting socks with the tops closed. Good lord. Not to mention, my self discipline and control are seemingly non-existent, I must have shit it out with the rest of the crap I don't have anymore, ie. money, time, cell phone minutes. I've been to the mall like 4 times within the last month and I swear my credit card just seems to fly out my wallet each time. I used to be able to resist buying clothes and shoes but I just bought myself a $60 jacket that I probably don't need because it's Socal. I love my credit card, he is so good to me, if I could I would make sweet love to it. Ok, maybe not. It's rather funny and sad because nowadays I pretty much live off credit. I don't even know what cash looks like anymore. He pretty much owns me and I am his little whore. Like if they switched currency and we are now using Milk Duds instead of bills, then I really wouldn't know.

2003-11-05T17:31:00.000-08:00

So i'm working off like negative 4 hours of sleep for the past few days, let's see what sort of blog-licious magic I can create. This past week has been so weird, I don't even remember it.... all I remember is last Halloween. We, as in 283 Berkeley, threw out very first party/stripper pole revealing and it was awesome...well, except for the part where my spastic roommate in a state of extreme drunkennes, as in throw up kind decided to splash toilet water all over herself, me, Russel, the bathroom, oh yeah and Cathy like it was fucking pixie dust. Never in my life did I imagine I would be actually measuring the pros and cons of what toilet water tastes like. And in case anyone was wondering, yes, it does indeed taste like crap. Literally. So yeah, our party kind of sucked in the beginning and kind of sucked in the end after the cops broke it up but I think somewhere in the middle it was okay, except for when my roommates got sick and everyone started throwing up. Good times.
Oh.my.gosh. I'm at work and I'm getting so incredibly irritated. I don't understand how some people can actually come up to me and ask such questions as "Excuse me, do you have any computers" as I am sitting in front of a room lined with 25 computers. I should make a greatest hits album of all the lame ass lines like "Hi, I am looking for a book?". I'm just waiting for the one where someone asks me if there's a study center somewhere and I'm going to have to slide on a leather glove and bitch slap them. I guess, I got my karma for that earlier cuz I totally bailed at the Reserves desk, like none other. Somehow (just like somehow I can get my toe stuck in the bottom of my pj pants and i fall, or somehow I can trip on the stairs going up...twice), I managed to get my leg caught on the bottom of the chair and I suddenly start falling, very, very slowly, make a low grunt noise and grab the top of the desk so it kind of just looks like Im lowering myself to the ground (which is where I ended up) and it really doesn't help that the desk is located where anyone can see. So yeah. no more shit talking for Elaine. Ok, and I just started laughing looking at this computer screen right now...by myself. OH YEAH, someone's on a roll, good Lord, I think I'll just end this perfect night by accidentally slipping on a banana peel and splitting my pants and crapping right here in the middle of Gateway Commons. But in the end it's ALL worth it because right in front of me I am witnessing the age old ritual of a male attempting to hit on a random hot girl and like totally failing. The best part is watching him call out to his friends and pointing at her as she's walking out to use the bathroom or something. That's so lame it gives me cramps.

2003-10-28T12:15:00.000-08:00

I've noticed that lately I've been at a loss for good inspiration for these blogs and it makes me want to go poo. So far nothing has really happened other than 1.) I'm lazy and 2.) I have a stomache ache. It's pretty crazy down here though in good ol' So Cal where fires are ablaze and the sky gives off the reddish glow of the grips of hell. Saturday morning we woke up to the raining of ash and the coming of the Apocalypse. I'm not even kidding, I was sure Satan was gonna start coming around demanding pensions and blow jobs. Who knows. Don't get me wrong though, this whole wildfire thing isn't a laughing matter except for when you get ash in your eyes and throat and it burns like a bad bukake. It sort of smelled like a really huge barbecue thrown by some hairy shirtless men except they weren't barbecuing anything of inherent consumable value other than houses and trees. Apparently it's so bad down in San Diego they had to cancel school for a couple days since the air was so bad. All I wanna know is why we can't get school canceled because I think I'm suffering from the black lung and possibly some sort of ash related tumerous growth on my neck. Oh wait, that's my head. Mwa haha. Neh...fine, I'll stop. I desperately want to make love to a school boy.
I need to watch a funny movie so bad. I think I'm forgetting how to laugh. Every day my laugh changes and everyday I sound more like William Shatner. Good god. Somebody...help...me. We can't stop, it's too dangerous. I love Spaceballs. My last one was Kung Pow, yes I actually enjoy that movie. As ridiculously horribly corny and cruelly lame it is, I laughed pretty hard. So far these are my favorite funny movies. All highly recommended by me, the funny movie watcher person.

1.) Wayne's World - Modern day classic. I watched this one everyday for like 5 months straight in 5th grade. Rates high on the quotability scale, and if I had 10 hands, I'd give 10 thumbs up.
"If Benjamine were an ice cream flavor, he'd be pralines...and dick"
"What am I gonna do with a gun rack, I don't own A gun let alone many guns that would necessitate an entire rack."
"We're in New York. I've got a gun let's go to a broadway show"

2.) Dirty Work - Fucking hilarious. I usually don't like Norm Macdonald, but I sure love some good randomness and a Saigon whore.
"Settle down prostitutes"

3.) Old School - For some reason I never found this funny until the second time around, which ended up being the 14th time around when it became solid gold. Loved it.
"What do you recommend I do? I recommend you stop being such a faggot. You're in the back seat"
"You're crazy. I like you. But you're crazy"
"I see Blue. He looks glorious"

4.) Office Space - All I gotta say is Michael Bolton and it brings a smile to my day.

5.) Meet the Parents - Ben Stiller. Gotta love a hilarious Jew saying grace.
"I have nipples Fawker, can you milk me?"

6.) Dumb and Dumber - Who doesn't love a movie with a great poop scene?
"Samsonite? I was way off"
"Mock. Si. Ing. Si."

7.) Super Troopers - I vote this one the funniest cheapest movie I saw for free and bought for $7.99 used on VHS at Albertsons. Ever.
"Why don't we pop a couple viagras and issue tickets with raging mega huge boners"
"I don't want a large Farva I want a fucking liter of cola"

7.) Kung Pow - Disclaimer: not suited for everyone, but suited for those who love crappy movies. Highly suggested to watch with people who have as terrible humor as you and/or a handsome midget.
"Killing is wrong. And bad. There should be a new, stronger word for killing. Like badwrong, or badong. Yes, killing is badong. From this moment, I will stand for the opposite of killing: gnodab."

8.) Top Secret - Val Kilmer in 1984 cast as an international pop idol/saver of the world in Germany? If that's not funny by itself then I don't have two moms (what?). A true, true diamond in the rough. Who would've thought an innocent trip to Blockbuster could come out with a gold medal winner.
"I'm not the first guy who fell in love with a girl he met in a restaurant, who then turned out to be the daughter of a kidnapped scientist, only to lose her to a childhood lover who she's last seen on a deserted island, and who turned out fifteen years later to be the leader of the French Underground."

I'm sure I'm leaving SO many out, but I'm starting to feel a bit like Roper and Ebert (I hope I'm the fat one) and I can't say I'm not feeling a bit queesy. On the subject of funny movies, I have a public service announcement to warn all unsuspecting viewers of a movie called F.A.R.T. the Movie. It said made by the "Farley Brothers" but neither of these brothers is Chris and the movie itself should have been buried and vaulted before released into the public. I don't think I've seen a WORSE movie in my LIFE. I thought Kazaam was bad but at least I could finish that movie without breaking down in tears from the sheer atrocity of how bad the movie was. The worst part was that I actually gave up a whole $1 for it, that totally could've been used for something SO much cooler like a bag full of previously chewed gum. I'm still reeling from the bad taste. Eagle 1, over and out.

2003-10-13T00:04:00.000-07:00

So I don't know. By mere coincidence or oh I don't know an extreme state of procrastination I am writing a useless blog instead of reading. Is that my problem? Is that why I never get anything accomplished? No, my friend, I don't think so cuz in fact I was very productive this weekend!
Saturday and Sunday I had community service for Aphio that drained me of all life energy but however was very inspirational and a cleptomaniac's paradise. Saturday morning I had to wake my ass up at like 4:30am where we stayed in Universal City for the Tour of Hope bike thingy until like 10:30. It was so lame cuz we were "volunteers" and all, but in other words "volunteer" meant standing around, sitting and eating. I might as well have oiled down all the bikes with my own bodily fluids so I could've felt more helpful. I totally didn't know bikers wore special shoes to bike. I mean that's fucking brilliant! Who would've thought of special shoes for biking?! All I wanna know is why Huffy never built special shoes for MY bikes dammnit. So anyway, instead of doing anything of productive value we end up just standing and walking around City Walk, which would've been fun had anything at all been open. It was like window shopping...literally. So I guess window window shopping. Yeah.
The second service made up for it though cuz we ended up doing a lot of crap like pass out shirts and like do random tasks (hehe Random Task, I'm going to throw a shoe at you) but it took up the whole time and it was really cool seeing how many people support leukemia and stuff. The only semi-crappy thing was the volunteer coordinator was a ho bag. Like she made me and another girl try to "round up" people so they wouldn't be in the way of the finish line and then she would come over periodically just to tell us how bad of a job we were doing and how we were useless and worthless and pieces of shit. Ok fine, she didn't say ALL of that but she was such a spaz.
Oh yeah! And my friend Ray from SLO came down to visit me and it was totally fun. It was awesome, he cooked for us and made us dessert and even bought us alcohol! He introduced us to this hella expensive looking shit called Chambord, which is some blackberry alcoholic drink. It's like in this pretty bottle that looks like it's for royalty or something. Call me the Bukake Queen. It's cool. We offered to adopt him and/or lock him in the house in exchange for our friendship but somehow we let him get away,I'm not sure how...I think the window was open or something.
Well, I just completely lost my train of thought...I'm old and moldy. I have loose skin and old balls. Shit. K bye.

2003-10-08T21:06:00.000-07:00

School is hard and so am I. I've always wanted to say that...well ok, if I was a man...no wait, if I was half more a man. Fine, ok...my nipples are hard. It's only second week of school and I feel like I'm knee deep in a septic tank full of poopy cakes and reading. Since I have nothing better to do, let me give the run down. Wait...no...don't cream in your pants just yet, the climax is yet to cum.
Classes are alright, i'm just chilling this quarter, taking 12 units and taking all classes that are of actual interest to me and in the interests of my major, ie. fingerpainting 101, intermediate underwater basket weaving, pole techniques: on and around the shaft, etc, etc. I have this one professor that sounds a bit like Patrick Stewart mixed with Hitler, who has a blanket for a beard and constantly wears a black leather fanny pack. Gotta love the fanny pack. Major props to him.
Ok, i'm pretty much too tired, lazy and worn out to write anymore about my horridly boring life. I just came back from a step class that worked me hard, long and wet. Must...go....shower. Golden shower! Bukake! Shit...i'm such a perv.
P.S. I read an article that said that fellatio decreased the risk of breast cancer. Guess i gotta go spread the word. HA. Yeah right. I think it was fake though cuz the doctor names were like Dr. Inserta Shafta and Dr. B.J. Sooner or something. If that's not cruel coincidence, I don't know what is. Ok, goodbye.

2003-09-20T01:34:00.000-07:00

All I really want to know is what the fuck is this thing?

2003-09-15T00:53:00.000-07:00

Today me and Cathy went with my Auntie Josephine and her scary stereotypical bad Chinese woman driver friend otherwise known as "Tina" to the Hollywood Bowl to watch the LA Philharmonic and some small Chinese people do acrobatics and some fireworks. It was a purty show, but honestly, what made the whole night was the welcoming speech. Classic. Just classic. Cathy's knows what I'm talking about. Let me try to remember what it was, oh wait yeah....it went something like this:

Hi, welcome, bla bla bla bla.....bla bla....For your own safety please clear all aisles including any picnic baskets, wine bottles, small children (HA)....bla bla bla....Please refrain from talking, turn off all cell phones or any other homing devices and please do not perform any acrobatics in the aisles. (HA HA)

That is all. I'm just happy I'm alive. Bad Chinese lady driver (who is still nice nonetheless) almost gave me several cardiac arrests. I don't know how much more stress my heart can take.

2003-09-04T16:02:00.000-07:00

My, it has been awhile since I wrote in here...I feel like I've gone through menopause, had children and divorced twice. Pretty much I'm bored, bored bored bored at work. Going to suffer another long day of people giving me weird looks or using the bathroom key to pee all over the walls. I've resorted to eating like seven sticks of juicy fruit and drinking tepid water. Oh yeah, I'm also on the Atkins diet. It blows. This diet is probably used as rare forms of tortures in some third world countries. Oh wait, they already starve, I forgot.

2003-08-14T16:57:00.000-07:00

I think I've developed the black lung . Once again, as scheduled like every other day I am getting sick. I can feel it in my throat, in my nose, in my eyes. Dammnit. The suckiest part is that yesterday I took my final so my summer's only officially starting. It was the most bull shittiest test I've ever taken but the only thing that makes me feel better is that I know whatever grade I get it can only reflect how much effort I really did, or really didn't put into the class. I'd feel pretty bad if it was one of those classes that threw A's at you or like automatically gave you an A and then the only way you can get any lower than that is if you stop breathing all together, but no, it's not one of those classes. If I compare my level of productivity in that class with say...the food intake of a small boy in Somalia or the entire trible of Aboriginals in Australia they would probably be all dead. Not only would they be malnourished, lyme diseased and flea ridden but yeah...they'd be dead. And I probably wouldn't have had to make up my answers completely through my asshole if I didn't miss class on Monday, but it was all worth it. Why? Because me and my roommates and Cathy's friends Arthur and Chris are the most awesome people. We went to a taping of Jimmy Kimmel Live AND saw Linkin Park AND was in a crowd that was NOT squishing AND Cathy got to get Mike Shinoda's sexy sweaty water bottle ANNNDDDD we got to be on TV. That was the most awesome thing ever, I could've head butt the religious guy preaching on the street. No really. The only downfall was that it smelled like crap the whole time because everyone was sweating and breathing so loud I thought I was trapped in the toilet bowl from hell.
Couple that with our whole refrigerator fiasco that happened over the weekend and I've got myself a pretty interesting summer. Stupid power outtage broke Julie's fridge so for like 2 days straight Lynnette and I had to clean up gallons of meat blood, melted popsicle and ice over and over again. I think I have Hepatitis A-C, the Bubonic Plague and such a strong form of Salmonella that i'm probably a biohazard and can kill small animals with the touch of my hand. Mwa hahaha. That is all. I am at work and have to control the reign of chaos that has consumed the computer lab ever since FREE printing came into play. Yeah. Free. What a stingy world.

2003-08-08T17:00:00.000-07:00

Oh man, I've had some of the most hilariously enlightening conversations ever. And all within the past 24 hours!

kuahZimoDo: you should have sex in the underground tunnels and write on the walls "I HAD SEX HERE"
Turtlewax8:Ew, I don't want to be haunted by ghosts
kuahZimoDo: if i was a ghost i would love watching people have sex
kuahZimoDo: it would be so exciting because I hadn't seen anyone having sex in a long time

Phi11yCheese: i'll go over there and log into some gay porn and show it to you...so you can whip out your stuff if you wanted...ewwww i can't believe i just said that
Turtlewax8: hahaha how am i gonna whip out MY stuff
Phi11yCheese: girls have stuff!
Turtlewax8: Yeah! But they don't make whipping actions!
Phi11yCheese: fine boinging actions
Phi11yCheese: or TA DA actions

2003-08-07T16:04:00.000-07:00

Mason Park is the most magical place in Irvine, or the world for that matter. Or anywhere at all. If I could, I would live there like a hobo and sleep on the benches and drink the nasty duck pond water, but they'd probably kick me out and drop me off somewhere in Santa Ana to share garbage fires with the other bums. I'm seriously amazed how I've lived here for two years and I never knew it even existed. It has these big lakes with a pretty little romantic bridge and duckies and a playground and swings and a stage where you can throw concerts and/or stand up comedy show. The only thing that's really ugly about it is the water because it's all murky and smelly and has duck shit all over it. I think if I fell in I would have a cardiac arrest and die. Other than that, I vote it as the most magical place ever next to Disneyland. Thanks Van and Russel!

2003-07-31T16:29:00.000-07:00

It's pretty amazing how many bizarre things you can see around Irvine....despite normal appearances, I think this place breeds mutants. I always hear strange screaming noises at night, which one may say are just typical creepy sounds in the night, but I am convinced they are horny raccoons. The raccons around here are fat and hungry, and we all know fat and hungry equals horny, and since there isn't anything else to do they probably just go have loud raunchy sex near the swimming pool. Now isn't that lovely?
When I was walking home one day from the Arc, this truck randomly parked on the side of the curb and the guy walked out wearing a complete bee suit from head to toe. Hmm...I hate bees too, but I don't have them that much. Either that or it was one of those toxic suits like on E.T. where they breathe heavy but I saw no reason to be alarmed...well...he WAS walking right underneath the trees that seem to sap jizz. Unless E.T. was hiding in the jizz trees. Hmm. So I don't know. Oh yeah, which reminds me of the time I was eating at Cornerstone Cafe and this girl randomly walked past wearing one of those SARS masks. I didn't know if I should laugh, run in terror or cough on her really loudly and nastily. Heh. But yeah...SO weird.
So to top it all off I was walking to work and I saw some girl cutting this guy's hair in the middle of the parking lot underneath one of those tree planters. He was even complete with one of those little drapes they wrap around you. I have no words. I think I might as well just walk around naked. Oh yeah! Naked! I take that back this one tops it off. Yesterday while me, Cathy, Lynnette and Rod were swimming this guy randomly jumps in the pool naked. Ok, I guess it wasn't random because he was getting 20 bucks for it. But it was so unexpected I crapped in the pool. Twice. But yeah, probably the most bizarre out of all of it was that I actually looked. Damn my virgin eyes. Damn them.

2003-07-17T15:35:00.000-07:00

I am so sweaty. I hate sweating. If I look outside right now the sky is grey, the wind is blowing, it looks like it's going to rain. But the second I stepped outside of the house I was slapped with this nasty wetness and my clothes are sticking to my body. Sick. As I type, my wrists are sticking to the desk, my hair is sticking to my forehead and my underwear is shoved cleanly up my ass. Oops. Heh. Ok, all better. But yeah, I feel like I'm in the Philippines. Any second I'm expecting some little boy wearing a shirt that says Chicago Bllus or some other extremely fobby knock off with bad English shirt to come prancing in here and ask me if I want my car windshield polished and I'm just going to have to say no. The sad part is that as I look around it doesn't look like anyone else is hot, which makes me feel pretty lame. They must think I'm really nervous or something cuz I keep blotting my face like an old woman in the 1950s.

Speaking of nerves, so I'm given to the hearty task of going to the leasing office to contest our exhorbitant rapage that they call rent and I'm all nervous because nobody's home and I have no idea what sort of tactful words I'm going to use to weasel our way into getting rent cheaper. As anyone knows, I am master of jumbling up words and speaking in incoherent phrases completely opposite from what I plan in my little mind beforehand. For example, at a job interview I had they completely surprised me with a really hard question and I ended up giving them this completely cryptic answer that wrought confused looks from my interviewers and was so bad that even I didn't even understand what I just told them and then we all looked confused. It went something like this:

Interviewer: So, Elaine, how do you deal with stressful situations?

Me: Well...stress is something that we all have to deal with and in that sense it is important to deal with stressful situations as if they were stress free and accordingly. I myself find that I deal with stress well although right now although I am crapping in my pants as we speak, and often if I am in a stressful situation I require Depends. Which ultimately means, that you can depend on me. Henceforth when dealing with stress I'd like to commend that my actions are thus suited for stress and that I can be okay.

Ok. Yeah. What? Exactly. Well, anyway, I finally gather up the confidence to go up to them in the face and say "look here you...you...people! We have been paying your rent for too long and I'm putting my foot down. I'm not going to take this crap from you, or anybody. Not even if you give me all of those nice pillow mints over on that tray over there (mmm so good)". I even knew what I was gonna say dammnit, I was so pumped I was gonna slap the gardener high five on the way to the leasing office. I was so ready, I was never more ready in my life. I had 110% confidence that I was going to walk out of there with them begging on their knees for forgiveness while fanning me with big feathers and feeding me grapes, and with a rent so cheap that it feels like a dirty whore. So, I walk out the door, march up to office door and then...it's locked. So much for that. I might as well have put one of those stickers on my head that was like "You're not a winner. Please try again".

2003-07-10T15:36:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sleeping all soundly and I have this dream that somebody's trying to make me wear these nasty clothes and I'm so itchy and I can't stop itching and then suddenly I wake up and my body's on fire and when I look in the mirror I am covered in hives. Traumatic? Yes. Disgusting? Yes. Fun? Absolutely f*cking NOT. I have absolutely no idea what I could've ate, done or seen that would've made me all of a sudden break out in hives. The only thing I can think of is that yesterday I watched a movie directed by Bob Saget. He's always been one to produce rampant rashes in many a people ie. ringworm, hives, eczema, gonnhorea. Or maybe it was from watching nasty people swim in the pool or the garbage I ate. Who knows? And it was so strange, they were all centered on my hands, my wrists, my stomach and randomly under my left arm. It was almost to the point where I thought I was going to die from being consumed by hives and turn into one big one where I end up scratching myself to death and the next morning all my roommates find is this puffy blob of skin, which they throw in the trash. I hope I don't have the Clap. Heh. I just wanted to say that. Well anyway, the end to this dramatic event was that a friend of mine who should be knighted for his valor took me to Rite-Aid at 5:30AM to get Benadryl. I knocked out, woke up and now I have no hives. But, now I'm scared to eat anything, touch anything or watch any more Bog Saget movies.

2003-07-09T04:08:00.000-07:00

Alright, so I'm back in Irvine after a long, hard, wet....oh wait, I mean, relaxing, beautiful three week summer vacation in a little town we like to call Alamo. Let me see...I went to two baseball games, an awesome wedding, became a chauffer bitch for my bro and attended my first Cotillion. I'd say that wasn't too bad, and if you compare it to a summer in Irvine it's like a BLAST. However, I will refrain from using the word boring, except for just now, because I realize I use that at least once in every entry and that's just plain sad.
Going to my cousin's wedding and the cotillion totally made me all excited to plan my wedding. Even though I clearly don't want to get married until I'm like 29, it sounds fun. I just might get married like tomorrow just to plan one and then set up the divorce or something. Hm, I guess that's something to do in my spare time. They should make cool jobs like professional marryer.
On another note, it's rather dissapointing that I have only recently figured out that I don't really have any special talents or hobbies to my name. I don't have any secret tricks that my body can do or secret talents like curling my tongue or squirting milk out my eye. I guess if I were to really name my specialities they would be around the genre of being able to get tan lines in all the wrong places ie: watch tan, farmer's tan, sock tan, and we can't forget my glow in the dark legs. That's in the category of being able to make my legs so pale that they blind people if exposed. It's to the point that my skin's practically transluscent and you can see all my vericose veins, which is so gross. It reminds me of the time my mom made me go to modeling class when I was in 6th grade and there was this girl that was so pale and had all these spider veins that they called her Spider Girl. Sad, I know. I can't believe I was forced to go to modeling class, that's so embarassing when I think back because I remember the outfit I picked out was this matching shorts and like vested/sleeveless top that were of the same burgundy plaid. Damn, that must've been SO ugly. Wow, I should've performed seppuku right on the catwalk.
Well it's pretty late and I must get back to this interestingly dirty novel I am reading. As they say in England: Bye.

2003-07-01T03:08:00.000-07:00

The funny thing...well more sad thing about coming home after being away from college is that it feels just like high school, except with no friends and even less to do. It's interesting how your home can sometimes just look like a house or how many people you lose contact with. I can't even remember the last time I had a conversation on the phone like in middle school when it was permanently glued to my head. Oh wait, I have talked to a million telemarketers, so that has got to count for something. Instead of one good friend I have many and they all me for my money. Well ok, it's not that bad, but since every one is away or has summer school or work or working out or having sexual escapades of which no one will let me join in on, boredom and loneliness are brought to new levels.

2003-06-27T01:27:00.000-07:00

I feel totally rich. I have in my hand $560 in cash. That's almost so much money that I feel like somebody's going to jump out from under this desk and rob me. Well, no, probably not. However, it does seem I am robbed of my money every month by money grubbing companies out to rape me of any earnings, aka. rent, water, electricity, cable, the little green midget living under my desk.

It has been brought to my attention that my online journal makes me sound bitter and pessimistic. Is that so? Do I make life sound SO bad? Huh? Do I? Well then why does the glass always have to be half empty?! Why can't it be ALL full?? Why can't anything go my way????? I am SO kidding! Oh my gosh, I am so not bitter. I love puppies, and rainbows and flowers and butterflies. Well honestly I never mean to come off that way but I just find bitterness much funnier. Sorry if I make anyone so depressed they want to cry. Actually I'm not. MWA HAHAHA.

It seems these summer days have made me too lazy to update my journal. But it's not like I've been doing much at all, except sitting around being gassy, which is pretty productive, but I suppose others may disagree. My older sister came home from Japan and brought back yummy foreign items so I guess bonding with her is somewhat interesting. However, she did get $6,000 worth of gum surgery in which she is incapable of food consumption and is constantly on Vicodin, so I guess that doesn't make much room for bonding now, does it? The funnest part is looking at her nasty stitches, that always makes for a great Saturday night.

I would like to take this time to review one of the more quality conversations I've had with my brother in the past week:

Wesley: I hate when you pick your nose and it smells SO bad.

Elaine: Like boogers?

Wesley: Like ASS...Except I haven't picked my ass in three days.

2003-06-13T12:04:00.000-07:00

Boredom isn't even an adjective that can describe the extreme state I am in in which all time has ceased and I feel like my lifeless soul is empty and sad. But, I guess that's the feeling that automatically consumes you once you enter Gateway Commons. The only difference between here and an alternate worm hole in space is that the everytime you open up the drawers at the Reserves desk, a waft of BO slaps you in the face. Every. Time. Is it possible that a mixture of ancient library notecards, pencils and an ink pad can all culminate to create one rancid smell equal to that of a sweaty man who hasn't showered in a week.
So I'm finally done with finals. WOO HOO self pat on the back for me. I don't know how I managed to survive one huge paper that I didn't know anything about, two finals in one day and one at 8am, and anyone knows 8am is the equivalent of sunrise for me.

2003-06-06T01:32:00.000-07:00

Let's just say this entry has taken me awhile to piece together because it's taken 2 days to summon up the courage to write about my tragic experience at what will have to remain my last adolescent concert. So....2 days ago was the Good Charlotte/New Found Glory concert. We're okay there. Now, let's just say you had the options of A.) Getting crushed to death B.) Having random butt bones grinding into your side C.) Having smelly people rub up against you D.) Getting hair whipped in your face...the entire time or E.) Watching the whole concert looking at the ceiling because your hair's being pulled back. Well basically to get the point straight across bluntly, at the concert THERE WERE NO OPTIONS BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME!!!!!!
To set the scene, it was a bunch of teeny bopper pre-pubescent, pre-logic, pre-concept of space little children that I can only express with the deepest feelings of animosity because really...the ages between 14-18 are pretty crappy. Especially from Orange County. It was cool and all that we were able to get up close for the concert cuz Good Charlotte's pretty awesome, but no, it ends there. Any enjoyment and appreciation for the music was shattered when the entire floor of nasty, sweaty, smelly little children decided to ALL try to push to the front when clearly it is impossible when THERE'S NO WHERE ELSE TO GO. I didn't know it was possible to be literally squished into the next person...where I swear, I could feel the workings of their bodily functions through my mangled arm underneath some guy's armpit which was between two girls' huge asses on top of some small, annoying boy (who by the way was SO annoying, no words could describe). Mix that with people attempting to jump around and people crowd surfing (which really means kicking everyone in the face) and you've got one awesomely sucky experience. The only analogy I can think of at this time of the night (and a really bad analogy it is) is like imagine one of those blood pressure machines you can do for free at some drug store where you put your arm in that scary sleeve that gets all tight...except it's HUGE and around your body and is wet and smells like BO and is swaying left and right and is yelling right into your ear.
Don't get me wrong, the bands were totally great performers, but it was kind of hard to enjoy when your lungs are smashed and you think you're going to die. I'm not kidding, I really thought I was going to die, right there, melded with a bunch of sweaty teenagers teeming with hormones and singing way off key. At one point when I untucked my hand from its position crunched into my side and wiped my face it was all wet and I really thought I was crying and didn't know it because my body had lost all function of recognizing emotional signals.
However, on a brighter note, I did crowd surf! Well, if by crowd surfing you mean over 4 people, but it was truly awesome. I got all like lifted up and like carried out of the pit and picked up by this huge ass guy. We weren't able to get any signatures but I did walk away with a poster, a sore neck and a mysterious huge purple marker spot on my stomach next to my Australia shaped birthmark.

2003-06-03T16:15:00.000-07:00

My throat hurts, it's cold and riding around in shopping carts is AWESOME!

2003-05-26T23:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, I know this whole blog/xanga phenomenon is way overplayed but really, there needs to be some kind of rule for people who utilize these online journals. No really, I'm not kidding.
Rule #1 Don't acccount every aching detail of your day if it is not remotely interesting and/or it does not involve sex or something squishy.
Rule #2 Do not, I repeat do NOT write down the exact quotes from some conversation if it lacks substance or a point because it is incredibly lame and makes someone lose precious minutes of their lives for a stupid conversation.

Example:
Oh my gosh, I TOTALLY had the most awesomest conversation with Fabio this boy I totally like and like he is like totally cute and like totally like cute and like totally, I forgot, but yeah, he's cute. And like today he looked at me and we like totally had this conversation.

Me: Hi
Fabio: HI
Me: How are you
Fabio: Fine
Me: So...
Fabio: So...
Me: Um, like, I totally love what you did with your socks today
Fabio: Thanks
Me: You're welcome
Fabio: You're weird. Bye
Me: Bye

I think we totally connected and yeah, we're totally soulmates.

Rule #3 Try to keep the inside jokes to a minimum. If it's funny for like one person then it probably doesn't belong in a public online journal.

While on the rule thing, here are some random rules that are just helpful in life.
Rule #4 Flush once for pee, twice for poo.
Rule #5 Don't pack dirty underwear in your carry on luggage. Random security checks and skid marks don't mix.
Rule #6 Don't watch Kazaam. Ever.
Rule #7 Throw away food after it gets fuzzy.
Rule #8 Be a full time prostitute in your spare time.
Rule #9 Give me money.

Ok, well that is all.

2003-05-24T20:01:00.000-07:00

I hereby dub last night the most traumatic night of my life before bed. Ever. Because it was so hot yesterday and because somebody was an idiot and left the door open the whole day, the entire habitat of bugs and insects invaded my house leaving them to terrorize me all night long. Let me see: When I opened up my closet door I was attacked in the face by a moth. Then, when I go outside into the hall I suddenly hear this loud noise and a flickering, which only turns out to be the HUGEST mosquito eater I have ever seen. I'm not kidding it was 5 inches long. Not only did it scare the shit out of me but it also attempted to murder me by charging right at me where I ran like a little bitch into my room. Finally, when I thought it was all over as I lay down under my blankets and when I dozed off I hear this buzzing sound in my ear which I can only attribute to a malaria carrying mosquito so instead of running away I proceeded to slap myself in the ear until the buzzing died off. SO, not only was I suffering from a series of mini cardiac arrests, I now had the dead carcass of some bug in my hair. I hate bugs, all of them. They must all DIE. Actually, they must all perish under the hand of the giant insecticide sprayer I'm going to set up in space. I didn't sleep untl 4am. The night was so traumatic in fact that I feel it necessary to immortalize the tragedy of the events by naming it some German name or something like they always do in history books. Ok, well, the only German word I know is farfegnugen and I have no idea what that is, so I'm just going to name it The Night Elaine Practically Pissed In Her Pants...literally. Therefore, in conclusion, all bugs must be destroyed.

2003-05-23T11:52:00.000-07:00

I am now safely home in the confines of my suburban Alamo home/bubble stowed away from the harsh realities of Irvine. Hah, yeah right, if anyone would like to know about Alamo (not in Texas) all they have to know is it is Irvine except even MORE safe. Wow, that is like...totally sheltered. After meeting so many different people from all places I am sad to say that I have been successfully shielded from anything of social value within the world. I mean, I witnessed my first helicopter search light chase within the past year...of my life...and it was like the equivalent of watching the Fourth of July fireworks after successfully getting an operation for colorblindness after living in a remote cave in Afghanistan with a prostitute named Cloey with webbed feet. Yeah, tell me about it. However, as they say ignorance is bliss. Except when bliss comes in the forms of extreme naievete and very slow reaction times. I've come to the realization (after like 20 years, see, i'm slow) that living in a suburban neighborhood my whole life has made me EXTREMELY slow to react. Because, in this side of town you don't even have to think. I mean, I don't even remember the last time I actually had to "get" aggressive while driving. Getting agressive here is like being "no, I'm going to go first at the stop sign". Ok, it's not THAT bad, but I mean, if I have any street smart it's probably negative. I pretty much have a tattoo written on my forehead that says, "Please rape me, shoot me, mug me, bludgeon me to death because I will probably not notice you even if you were wearing bright pink hammer pants". And that definitely will fit on my forehead because I have also come to the realization that I have a receding hairline and way too much forehead for my own good.
It is now exhorbitantly hot and I am on my brother's computer which is a feat in its own because 1.) He hasn't cleaned it in a decade, therefore there is at least an inch of dust and a strange odor that can only be described as wet socks in a bag 2.) It looks like the lair of the unabomber and I can't even find a descent item under all this rubbish. Wait, I see nasal spray. Honestly, it is great being home because I can eat all the food I want, waste all the energy I need AND I get a queen sized bed ALL to myself. Mmmm. Sleep. Speaking of sleeping, yesterday I was napping on the tables at the side of Humanities Hall (a building on campus) and suddenly I heard children. Hmm, children. And they were playing Marco Polo...in the grass. Is that possible? I thought you were supposed to play that in the water, not on land. That must be SO weird. K bye.

2003-05-14T02:21:00.000-07:00

I have absolutely nothing to talk about; however, back by popular demand by one person, I have no choice but to write about menial and trite things or else I fear for my life and possibly my left arm. I can't really say much has been happening in my life except for EXTREME procrastination like none other. I should really try out for the Olympic team because dammnit, I would get gold. Except I probably wouldn't make it to my showdown because I'd be too lazy to go. This week so far has consisted of doing a paper until like 7am (I am getting way too old for that) and sitting around thinking about reading. I find that to be highly more productive then actually doing it. Sometimes I'm so lazy I can't even get up to go eat and I end up chewing on old shoe leather and surviving off my own saliva juices.

Oh my gosh, today I wanted to cook tacos with the like 10 lbs I have of ground beef in the freezer (I think i bought at least a pasture of cows worth) and I bought this cheese at Albertsons that was like $1.69 where everything else was like $4.00, so of course being the stingy ass Chinese that I am, I bought it. It is SO disgusting, I didn't realize that it was imitation cheese, whatever THAT'S supposed to mean. I read the ingredients and there was absolutely NO milk anywhere, but I guess sldkfjla fjlsjf jsflj slkfjlskjflksjf-59493 color red counts as dairy. I thought when it tasted like vomit boiled in vomit then seasoned with dry crap flakes and left to rot for a year it was a might suspicious, but I was hungry so...there. I suck.

Other than being thoroughly poisoned by mutant cheese, my day consisted of classes that were completely useless. I am convinced this school is just trying to poison my mind with random facts in order to enslave me for further purposes. Today in adolescent psych people (who really shouldn't be people) were debating about date rape for SOOO long. And then my teacher dwelled on the topic of that 12 year old boy who had sex with his teacher and she gave him two babies (which is totally disturbing) but yeah, it was like hello...if you want to admit that you'd like to do that too just admit it. There's this kid, or should I say man or adult or something (for I really can't tell how old he is) who like always has to question the teacher about everything and his questions really mean relaying the history of the topic and then making a ludicrous statement in which the point of the argument is lost somewhere between the beginning of his speech and one hundred million hours later (say that like Dr. Evil and it comes out better). I wish I could place him in a burlap bag and beat him with reeds.

On a random side note Dan told me that Kaila Yu (a really hot asian model girl/woman/whore/person) has a Xanga which I wouldn't be surprised of being asian...but like she writes about how she'd rather stay home than club and how she is in love with Southstar?? I am convinced it is NOT her because I don't think a person like her could form a coherent sentence let alone spell a word right, but maybe I'm just bitter and jealous, or maybe someone is just sick and twisted or twisted and sick and thinks she is Kaila Yu...although I don't see WHY. Plus, WHO would be in love with Southstar or find him remotely good looking even on the lowest standards of an ugly person's scale. I bet the person writing it is Southstar and he writes it for self esteem purposes. I cold totally write another page about my disdain for Southstar but that will just have to wait. I have not the energy nor patience right now. http://www.xanga.com/kailayu for all you lonely chaps who want to masturbate to really hot pics of asian girls.

Well, that is all. My computer is now going to explode.

2003-05-11T12:26:00.000-07:00

I have found the inspiration I have been looking for all my life: Guk!!!!! Mix 1/2 cup corn starch and 1/4 cup water and you have entertainment for the rest of the day, I'm not even kidding, this stuff is AWESOME! It's so weird, it's like hard, but then when you touch it it like turns into liquid and then if you grab it really fast it's like a solid but if you hold it in your hand and don't move it just melts off your hand. Dude, why go to the movies, hang out with anyone, get any healthy doses of sunshine when you can totally play with guk. As fun as it is, the burning question remains: if you happened to get stuck in a big ass vat/puddle of it how would you get out since it gets hard when you move and you sink to the bottom? Well..Lynnette and I deduced that if you run really fast on top of it (demonstrated by two fingers running across a tupperware full of guk) then it will stay hard and you won't sink. But what if you are already in it you may ask, well, if you work your way up slowly, not trying to push off too fast it works too. Dammnit, we're so smart. Sadly, this is what we were doing for a couple hours at midnight on a Saturday. But HEY our extensive research could save lives. So just remember the next time you or a loved one gets stuck in or must cross a very deep puddle of cornstarch and water to simply remember our rules. The end.

2003-05-05T16:14:00.000-07:00

Dude, I am officially stress free (sort of). PCN went really well (even though like I had a minimal participation in it, like A second) but still, it was really cool and I don't have to worry about tripping all over the stage and making skid marks in my panties or on the ground...or down my leg. MC por vida, essay. I'm kind of sad that it's over because now I have no excuse to say when random people ask how my social life is going and I have to tell them I sit at home and watch TV with the only 3 friends I have in the school. Wait 4...including myself. It used to be like "Hey Elaine, how's it going, what are you doing today" and I'd be like "HA, i'm NOT watching TV and i'm NOT going on the Internet and I'm NOT knitting" and they'd be like "Oh cool, Elaine you are my hero". I saw this shirt at Hot Topic that said "How come cats get 9 lives when I don't even have one". Heh. Kind of corny but sadly true. Good times, good times.

The other day we were watching MAD TV and there was this commercial that was like a parody of those get your degree and a descent job without actually going to school type of thingies. It was like SO funny. The jobs listed were like "fluffer", "cowboy" and a "handsome midget". Mwa hahahahhaha. I'm going to find it and write them all down because I laughed until my pee pee hurt.

Well now I must resume my life as indicated. By the way, my Spanish teacher is totally not French. I couldn't have been MORE wrong. She's like Argentinian. She broke the news today that she is switching her class schedule with some other lady so she won't be teaching us anymore. Argentinian Yoda was kind of growing on me, oh well. And today is Cinco de Mayo, which I totally don't understand because it's not even the day that Mexico was liberated. Today in Mexico nobody is celebrating...which makes me wonder why we celebrate it. That is so lame. If that's the case, I'm going to make up my own holiday called Feed a Rat Day on June 3 because I feel like it dammnit. Americans are totally stupid and just need a reason to drink it up for 18 hours straight. I heard the radio today at like 8:30am and people were already drinking. Hello? Alcoholism is a vice not a lifestyle. Geez.

2003-05-02T10:53:00.000-07:00

Alright. I am officially smoking way too much crack. It's 10:14am and I'm at work BUT my shift wasn't supposed to start until 11. I am SOOOOO lame. Lame is like wearing two different socks inside out not on purpose, but really lame is showing up to work an hour early because you don't know how to read the clock and are getting ready at the buttcrack of dawn. So now I'm hungry, tired and really lame. This is so sad. Well, an hour's not that bad, but considering I can barely stand 4 hours here let alone 5 and I only brought 3 Airheads today means it's going to be a long and crappy day.

I think all this stress is really getting to me. I'm going to have like major stress diarrhea on Sunday, so if anyone wants to reach me, call me in the bathroom. PCN is TOMORROW and I'm so incredibly nervous I will inevitably soil myself right before I get on stage in which I will run off crying like a sad little school girl and have to pay up the $25 deposit fee for getting shit all over my dress.

Oh yes, and on a random side note, if you ever want to be disgusted to the point of internal vomiting, go to this site: www.ratemypoo.com. *WARNING: Do not eat a full meal before viewing site and have some gum readily available for the nasty taste in your mouth you will probably get after.

2003-04-30T23:40:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm supposed to be studying for adolescent psych and writing a paper in spanish, but instead I will briefly talk about how much I hate the word gumshoe. It's supposed to mean detective, but I don't know how a gum nor shoe has anything to do with detectives except for that they wear them. Dammnit! That word makes me so mad. Don't ask. It goes along with my hatred for P. Diddy and tubas and the word lil'. Not my little, but the word, especially when in context with Lil' Wayne and Lil' Bow Wow. Wait, I forgot, he's Bow Wow now since he grew pubic hair and his voice isn't like a little girl. Maybe it stems from the fact that I can't say the word, but still. (Only my roommates would understand that one).

Today was free scoop night at Baskin Robbins. It was really funny because there was this worker there that swore he was like Mr. Robbins and like was getting all crazy because apparently a line of people inside the store freaks him out to the point where he starts yelling at everyone. He kept on yelling at the girl at the door to stop letting people in.....even though there was like NO line. It was funny. He was so high school. He was stressing out like everyone was bum rushing the counter at one time even though everyone was just standing there doing nothing. It's like hello...there are a little more things to be stressed about in life than scooping ice cream for more than one person at a time. Call me bitter because we got rejected the second time around, but it was great. I bet everyone that works at Baskin Robbins have really buff scooping arms.

2003-04-23T17:52:00.000-07:00

Alright, normally I would've let another day slip by where I don't write in this, but I just had to talk about my review session that I just came back from. This one really bites the ass for the best female performance in a very bad review session, i'm not kidding. I wish to immortalize this moment forever. Ok, so I get to the review and we pick up a nice little study guide and the TA's are taking questions, bla bla bla. Right? Well, the questions were going fine until this one girl is like ummm "What's Blind Just--Ice?" (I must emphasize that those are three words). I hadn't really looked at the guide yet and at first thought it was yet another damned Latin term from the legal system until the TA was like um, I think that's blind justice. The word is supposed to be JUSTICE you dumb ass!!!! That's what the TA should've said, but no, it was just my inner dialogue. I couldn't stop smiling and was laughing so hard (the kind where your shoulders heave but there's no sound) so I had to leave. Plus, it was a pretty bad review session. I didn't know a review was supposed to consist of us asking questions and them answering them with more questions and blank stares. And to think, I went ALL the way to BSLH. For reference, anyone who does not know where BSLH is, it is probably the equivalent of a 3 day hike.

On a rather sad note, the quality of my nutrition has gone down so much in the past week I think I may have developed early signs of cholera or typhoid and probably a rare type of third world country disease that you can only contract from small monkeys in which my intestines will start melting. Since last week my lunches and dinners have consisted of Airheads, Chex Mix (the cheddar kind), chocolate, more candy, and probably some spiders I ingested in my sleep. I'm not kidding, I'm withering away. Sugar crystals are developing out of my sweat glands. Today I went scrounging around the kitchen for some sort of nutrient, even like A piece of Vitamin C and got so depressed I almost made a Cap N' Crunch Berry sandwich. I searched through the whole kitchen at least three times including the pantry only to find nothing in which I proceeded to curl into fetal position and openly weep. Please. Help me.

On another side note, the neighbors have been fighting for like 9 hours really loud, and that's not an exaggeration. However, I thought the shouting was a party because apparently they like to make barbecue while arguing. OR, they were arguing over who to barbecue..Hmmmm....something to ponder.

2003-04-20T16:54:00.000-07:00

So now that I'm done with the most tedious bitch work on the face of the planet, I can now vent about the stupid politics at this damned place. So here's the story:

Once upon a time there were these three co-workers who happen to be girls who like to ask Elaine to work for them like all the time and still sign in that they are getting paid for it. Elaine, being the little work bitch she is has problems saying no to girls with whiny voices because she is such a sweet and innocent girl with no backbone and so gets walked on all the time. Meanwhile, it 4:48pm, almost one hour after Elaine is supposed to be at home feeding her face but instead she is being used like a dirty whore and so is stuck working for one of these girls. Again. So one of these girls works with Elaine on Saturdays ands she constantly leaves early or does not show up at all and expects her to just cover her ass. When Elaine wants some time off this girl gets all like pissy. WHAT THE HELL. Ok, then another one of these nasty co-workers always asks Elaine like 2 seconds before she is about the walk out the door to cover for her DUI ticketed ass AND lies to her about working hours. The third one Elaine doesn't really have contact with but indirectly gets taken advantage of because she just flakes and Elaine ends up working for her. This is the sad, sad story of Elaine the Gateway Commons work slave and resident work whore. The End.

Yes, this story should make you mad because it sure makes me agressive and mildly irritated. Apparently some people at this place don't know what the hell work ethic is or how to apply it because they are so rude. I obviously have the words "Please, use me" tattooed onto my ass (which would have to be exposed) because that's what I feel like. I should really learn how to say no, but it just doesn't come out as easy as yes, no to me means more like un-yes. One would say I'm too nice, but I don't really consider myself really nice, I'm more evil, so it must mean that I'm just an evil girl who promotes being used. Maybe I'm a masochist and like being taken advantage of. Maybe even to the point of it's sexy. Damn, I've got some fucked up fetishes. I should major in being stepped all over because apparently I'm good at that.

On a lighter note, bunnies are cute and it's Easter, wow Happy Easter yay. Oh yeah and yesterday we watched "The Rules of Attraction", which I don't really understand because I saw no rules, nor any really healthy attraction. It was kind of twisted really. There was this one hilarious scene in which some drug dealer guy tells James Van der Beek's character that he needs him like he needs an asshole on his elbow (that one's for you Lynnette). If that's not funny I don't know what is. That reminds me of some other movie I watched where the guy's like I'll be as quiet as an ant pissing on cotton. Hee hee. How do people come up with this stuff, it's absolutely brilliant.

2003-04-19T19:45:00.000-07:00

Ok so I'm at work and I was forced both by boredom and my Weird Al look alike for a supervisor to clean the nasty ass section of this dinky reserves called "Protected Collection", sounds all like top secret and stuff but really it's just like two shelves of books and dust (yeah, sorry). After looking at the books I can totally see why they are either protected or just like protected because we should be protected from them. They are totally weird. Like i'm not even kidding. I guess the whole section's supposed to be "artsy" but more then half of them are about sex or lesbians and then the others are about like S & M torture and Japanese men doing kinky shit. This one book totally caught my eye. It was this pretty little book that looked all happy and yellow on the outside called "Pooh Unplugged". Oh what a pretty little title, how cute, it's about Winnie the Pooh, but wait, I didn't know he came out with like an album or anything what does unplugged mean. So, I open it up and it's like all these nasty pictures of Winnie the Pooh and all his little friends like Eeyore with drawn in penises and really disturbing but oddly hilarious cartoons. I should've known judging from the intro. Please, let me enlighten you:

"Winnie the Pooh-isn't that a girl's name for a boy bear? Don't you always wonder about the pooh-poopoo shit thang going on there? 'Hi, I'm Pooh. Hi, I'm piece of shit. Hi, I'm a piece of dung. Hi, just call me feces-face. Dung head. Or, call me Winnie. Winnie the Pooh'. Piglet is in some corner being peed on by Tigger. Eeyore is having his tail nailed on his heinie and enjoying it. Chris has on some police gear and is using his riding crop...Rabbit is the biggest Queen-he's done up like Greta Garbo-playing with himself in some corner, but he never quite gets off looking in the mirror. 'I vant to be alone. I vant to be alone. Tigger, stop bothering me.' I'm watching Beatrix Potter and I swear to God I saw Tom Kitten's butthole. I want to see that purple dinosaur's butthole now!"

Ummmm....ok, riiiiight. I don't get it, but that's okay. But wait, it gets better. So the rest of the book is just like all these really crappy sketches of like what would be Winnie the Pooh characters and there's like dialogue written underneath. Except the dialogue is really nasty and all of the characters have penises. My favorite is the one where it's the cartoon of Christopher Robin and all these rabbits behind him all trying to pull Pooh out of the hole in the ground and the caption goes "Rabbit, this isn't the time to act sexy" and like the rabbit behind Christopher Robin has this penis drawn in. Ok, maybe you have to be looking at it, but it's like so funny, it made me grin and grinning in the middle of the Protected Collection while looking at phallic pictures of a cartoon bear does not look good at all. But I think my favorite on top of that is the one where Christopher Robin is like holding this gun thing and then Winnie the Pooh is just sitting there and it's like "Put the gun down, Christopher Robin, and get the nipple clamps out of the freezer". Mwa hahahaha. Ok, call me twisted, which you may, but that rendered an evil little snicker and that just doesn't happen often. And come on, the book has to be good, Siskel and Ebert gave it "Two boners up!". Exactly.
So kids, don't forget to pick up your own copy of "Pooh Ungplugged" by Karen Finley at your local university reserves. Or maybe just perverted UC Irvine. My supervisor claims that little freshman boys go back there to look at the sexy pictures and jack off. Sick. And I just cleaned it! Totally sick. But I guess you shouldn't believe everything Weird Al says. (Except for Amish Paradise).

2003-04-17T20:06:00.000-07:00

Dude, doing laundry is like going shopping again. Except that it's like shopping for your own clothes and there's no money involved and no cashier and it's not at a store, but still, it's totally like shopping. Love it. I especially love cleaning the lint tray. No, I don't, but that reminds me of when I cleaned it earlier to dry my clothes and I swear there was a whole other sweater attached it was pretty sick. Whoever has nasty lint should do their laundry in the pool.

Anyways, enough about laundry and on to more interesting things such as sex.. HA caught your attention. No, I'm actually going to discuss the political philosophy of Karl Marx. Fine, no I won't. But while I'm on that subject that totally reminds me of my european history professor Dr. Minehan (Min-uh-han). At first when I saw him I thought he was kind of good looking in the beginning but I must've totally been shooting up heroine that morning because he totally isn't. I actually sort of compared him to Richard Gere(?) What the hell is wrong with me, I think being 7 hours away from Dan makes me have disturbing withdrawel symptoms, plus I don't even think Richard Gere is remotely hot. I should be frightened. Well, he's not exactly hideous but he's like a 55-60 year old man with a mat of grey hair and like all the air sucked out of his body. It makes me wonder how he's a professor at all for UCI and UCLA because when a student tries to ask him a question he kind of stares for a little and then is like "really? oh, I see" like the person was englightening him for the first time. One might find it annoying but I for one find it hilarious. Now that I think of it, all my professors this quarter are hella weird. For one thing my Spanish 2C professor is like a burly sized Celine Dion who sounds like Yoda. I'm not even kidding, and not to mention her English has a heavy French accent so I don't know why she's a Spanish teacher. Don't get me wrong, she's really nice (Elaine word to justify evil shit talking) and it's kind of fun having Yoda teach the class in Spanish. Oh yeah the best part is that she talks to us like we are like in 5th grade. There's people in there who are like 28 and for the first class she asked us what our favorite food was and then had us describe what was in a hamburger on the board and draw the picture, it was great, good times.

Well, I guess it's time to do something productive. By the way Dan's birthday is coming up and I'm drawing a blank on a present since I don't know what 23 year old old men like. Heh. I'd give the ol' poo on a stick, but that one seems to be played out this year. Any ideas?

Peace out homies.

2003-04-15T18:19:00.000-07:00

I hereby dedicate today's entry in loving memory of Kabeer. Let me tell you something about Kabeer. My first encounter with him was when he showed up at me and Lynnette's door at some strange hour of the night at a little place known as 116 Whispering Wood. From then on he became the focus of many interesting experiences, makeovers, hair do's and commando nights. He was no doubt the happiest guy I ever knew and someone who really knew how to live life to the fullest. Rest in peace Kabeer, you'll be missed by many.
~ April 14,2003 ~

It's so easy to take advantage all the little things in life. As cliché as all the things anybody ever tells you, it doesn't really mean anything until it hits close to home. I guess all I'm trying to say is it's so easy to expect to tomorrow to come. We are so involved in all the petty things in life that we forget that we are lucky to even have life. Next time don't hesitate to call up an old friend or family member you haven't talked to because what happens when they're gone? As corny as that may sound coming from my mouth, it's the truth. Live it up guys because honestly, you never know.

2003-04-06T12:50:00.000-07:00

So I guess it's been a few days since I've written in here, not like it matters because I still have done absoultely nothing since last Monday. Well, I have...ok, no, I haven't done anything. I was however on campus for like 10 hours in one day (my.god.) and I think I'm getting sick (no, it's not SARS). Speaking of which I think I'm going to start walking around with a mask on. That'd be cool. Either that or I will start up my own line of fashionable masks for all occasions such as the Formal Mask, complete with studded rhinestones, or the Sexy Mask with a hole in the front for your tongue. Wait, that would probably defeat the purpose of a mask.
Anyway, I guess the purpose of this entry is to discuss the televion atrocity that is the show "Are You Hot". Why? Because I guess last night was the season finale in which all those anticiapting like 5 people watching the show (including my roommates) actually wanted to find out who is like the hottest person in the country?! Because I care?! I practically let go of all bowel constraints as every second of the show went by. They dragged on the results of the "hottest" two people in like a seemingly 10 hour special that had the audacity to include those sentimental video clips about the contestant's life and experience throughout the show and how their hotness has really affected their lives. If this doesn't give you an eye twitch and diarrhea, I don't know what will because that has got to be the lamest thing I've ever heard in my life. And when I say ever, I think like for the next 1000 generations to come. Like seriously, the contestants were saying how being on the show has changed their lives and how if they are not hot then they will just keep living life. Am I missing something? Are Americans all smoking crack at the same time? Apparently, because they can't vote for American Idol contestants either.
One might ask if I hated the show so much why did I bother watching it? Let me make it clear that I did not watch the entire show. One because if I did I would probably start rotting front the inside out and two because it was making me so mad I wanted to kick something and me kicking something equals me just hurting myself. From the many painful clips that I did watch the one that pretty much gave me a full out hernia was the end where the winners were presented with medals that say "HOT". Ahh! What the hell is going on here? I had to blink twice just to make sure my eyes weren't deceiving me that that was the lamest award in the history of mankind. What are they going to tell their hot children? "This is my hot medal from when I was once on this totally stupid show and some washed up judges and the votes of the cracked out American public deemed me the hottest person". I mean, why try for the Nobel Prize when you can just get a Hot Medal? Obviously, American culture has just taken a dive into the shithole.

2003-03-31T10:15:00.000-08:00

It's Monday. It's spring quarter. It's that depressing time again when I morph from lazy ass Elaine to Elaine the Gateway Study Center Slave Whore (EGSCSW). Damn, if I didn't have the best spring break in the history of Elaine Golangco it wouldn't be as depressing. Me, the roommates and Phillip went to Las Vegas, which is seriously the best place in the world (besides my bathroom, and Disneyland). We got to stay at Phillip's super nice condo only like 5 minutes away, which saved us all the more money to eat yummy food (Mmm...fattening buffets). The water show at Bellagio still makes me cream in my pants. It's just so beautiful. It renders tears. Honestly. As extravagent as they can make hotels, I'd like to see Las Vegas do something like a hotel made completely out of swiss cheese and all the rooms are the little holes and completely eatable. Or instead of New York New York they can have like...eh Alabama, Alabama where there's like nothing to do except avoid alligators and as you're walking through the desolate swamps you get randomly lynched or beat down by the KKK. Good times.
Not only did I get to sell my body in Las Vegas (ok fine, I didn't get to sell my body) but me and Cathy went to the most bestest Linkin Park concert AND totally got to meet them (sort of). This didn't involve much more than eye contact and a signature but dammnit that's practically like being best friends, right? Let me tell you, it is truly an experience standing in the bitter cold at 3am on the streets of L.A. with police helicopter searchlights overhead just to get a signature on a way overpriced DVD. Nevertheless, it was totally cool.
Hey. Why are there people studying on the first day of classes? It's 10am. What are they studying for? Last quarter? What the hell. I don't get it. I don't even have A book let alone any book for my classes. I don't even have a notebook. Shit, I don't even know my schedule. They better be studying for like the test on how long they can stay socially acceptable because that is just lame.
Oh yeah, and on another random angry side note, someone had the audacity to write an article entitled "Is Hilary Duff the next Britney?" Oh. My. Gosh. This pains me to the point that tears form and my nose starts running. I hate Hilary Duff. I want her movie to expode.

2003-03-16T05:15:00.000-08:00

Please, note the the time. This is insane. People should be shot for studying this late.
Now that I have watched a complete sunrise and read an entire novel all from the comfort of my cold, dank, smelly, drippy workplace I can affirm that I am truly bitter. Not only is this ghetto building leaking every other five feet, my ass is numb and my only sustenance has been a Handi-Snak at this god forbidden hour. This truly sucks ass. But that's okay, because it seems that I've developed an eye twitch within the last four and a half hours and my vision is blurred. And you know what, it's been worth every painful minute. Why? Because this entire shift I've had the wonderful company of two really lame people who apparently use their efficient studying time at five in the morning to gossip extremely loud about formal dances. Help me, help you, help me understand what the hell people are thinking when they decide to discuss incredibly lame issues at the buttcrack of dawn. Trying to understand it is making me irritated and frankly, a little bit gassy so I will stop. Let me reiterate the time, it is now 7:31am. I want to go home.

2003-03-10T00:12:00.000-08:00

Okay, today was the worst day for laundry. Ever. Let's go over the shannigans one more time:

Shannanigan #1
Every machine, despite the fact there are like 40 in the complex were completely full. How is that possible? And why does everyone decide to leave it in the machines for like days after it's done. I just feel sorry for those people who didn't get to dry their clothes because of us. No I'm not.

Shannanigan #2
I walk in on Cathy totally unloading someone else's clothes which made me laugh so hard I accidentally drooled onto the floor. She was like a deer in headlights, totally classic. Ok, so we had the same purple sheet. Except totally not. Something to ponder...How many thongs later did it take Cathy to realize none of us wear thongs. [Note to self: Never leave panties unattended for Panty Snatchers like Cathy]

Shannanigan #3 - A Most Traumatizing Experience
Think touching someone else's raunchy panties is nasty, try bringing them home with you.
Two very sick things happened:
1.) I found a very tore up black sock and a pair of old underwear in my laundry.
2.) Upon heavy questioning none of them were my roommates'

Using my expert detective techniques (none of which involved smelling thank you) I have come to the conclusion that either a.) they were thrown in there by some sick bastard to taint my precious clothing or b.) some granny panty, uni-black sock wearing freak needs to learn how to check their clothes. If I get crabs or herpes of the hand I will be very upset. Now that I want to puke and at the same time burn my hands off is oddly disturbing.

2003-03-08T23:38:00.000-08:00

This is the greatest grace I've heard to date (Meet the Parents):

Oh, dear God
Thank you
You are such a good God, to us
A kind and gentle and accomodating God
And we thank you, oh, oh, sweet lord of hosts
For the schmorgesborg you have so apply lain at our table,
This day
And each day
By day, day by day, by day,
Oh, dear lord, three things we pray:
To love thee more dearly
To see thee more clearly
To follow thee more nearly
Day, by day, by day...

Ben Stiller. So wise. So Jewish.

2003-03-07T11:27:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I think this school is pretty fun. Then again, sometimes I also think I have cholera. Sometimes I feel like it's way too boring, but most of the time it proves to be an ok place that just really really needs some campus life. It's funny because when I thought of college back in my little Elaine days I thought of 24/7 parties, late night food runs, and puke all over the place. In translation Irvine is 4/2 parties (if the Irvine police doesn't break it up in like 2 minutes where everyone is 2 strikes away from being evicted), food runs...in the day since nothing is open past 9 and well, still puke all over the place (the licorice kind). Not like I'm a big partyer or anything, but it's nice to know they exist. Oh wait, I forgot the Oasis! The local hot spot for 40 somethings who think they're 20 and like to get 'freaky' with each other to really lame music. Sick.
I read some article in the New University that talked about how campus life pretty much blows here because everyone goes home to hideout in their own sheltered worlds when class is over. It's pretty true, but I mean, don't get me wrong it's not a hell hole or anything like if our campus was in the middle of a small ass town like Felton, CA where the only thing to do was cow tip and inbreed. I just think this campus is in dire need of some sort of social epiphany. And, people really need to learn to stay here. Sometimes it feels like a really expensive junior college because weekends are so quiet. Irvine's a pretty big city with lots of cool restuarants and stuff, but it's mainly made up of suburban families so everything to do reflects the demographic. In other words, everything closes at 9 and is hella expensive. There's a high school like right next to campus called University High (aw, how fitting). All I have to say is my heart goes out to them. That must totally suck. Not to mention the ones that graduate and then go to UCI.
The closest fast food within walking distance of campus is In and Out (not too shabby), Del Taco (diarrhea heaven) and Carl's Jr., which is pretty much only food court kind of thing. Other than that, there are private asian restaurants and old people homes. What happened to Mcdonald's and Burger King? Or maybe a movie theater that actually plays things that people want to watch? Don't people know how many lonely, bored freshman children are out there willing to spend? Thinking of how kids in the dorms must be going insane eating paint off the walls because they are so hungry at 1am when something should be open makes me mildy depressed. Brings me back to my old dorm days when we tried to make mac and cheese in a hot water boiler and even though it was only half cooked and completely nasty, we still ate it. Good times. It's a wonder there isn't some sort of statistic for chronic boredom or starvation.
I read in some article (ok I lied, it's the same one) how the UCI student association, if that's what they're really called, was thinking about making going home on weekends like illegal or something for freshman in the dorms in order to "enhance the campus environment". That's probably the funniest thing I've ever heard, and furthermore a very sad solution. I can already see all those crying homesick little children pining away for their mommies. It brings a tear to my eye. I think the ultimatel solution will probably be to erect (heh) a high voltage fence surrounding campus.
Damn, all this talk about food is making me crave for some nice juicy steak. Too bad I have 40 minutes to go and my only sustenance all day has been 4 pieces of watermelon Bubbleiscious.

2003-03-01T15:31:00.000-08:00

I feel so lazy! Within the past few hours at work I have helped a total of five people, put away like negative three books and have been studying the whole time. This should be illegal. But good thing it's not. I think I found my future career, guys.
Well anyway, on a brighter note I'm excited because our stripper pole dreams are finally being realised. Other than the fact that we are in debt $7.61, it's actually coming together! We have the plywood, black and white tiles, the lights and even a kick ass disco ball that rotates. Totally awesome. The sad part though is we still haven't found a brass pole, and you know, it's not quite the same without a pole. We tried putting the floor lamp in the middle, but trying to do crazy upside down stunts and shit isn't quite the same (tee hee). Julie figured out we might be able to put brass railing and then just make up for the lost height by creating a stage but it's gonna cost like fifty bucks. I might have to start working the corners of Campus and Culver. Hah! Wouldn't that be tragic, I'd make like 3 cents. But at least I'd be making more than a 2 cent whore. Other than the pole the only thing we're missing is the stripper music and our stripper names. Cathy came up with a good one, she's going to put on her lab goggles and lab coat under the alias "Dr. Pussy Cat". Clever. As for mine, the only thing I could come up with was a turtle. And turtles are just so damned sexy...I should assume scared turtle position wearing a green outfit and shell and then slowly come up and do an interpretive dance. I would be a Japanese tourist/porn star but Julie already took "the FOB". Imagine: Hot pink hat (with the bill totally flat), tapered jeans, big sunglasses, a camera, the peace sign...Brilliant. I'm already getting hot. [Disclaimer: I am not actually hot].
Oh my gosh, that totally reminds me. The other day I was at the website where you can take all these quizzes like "What do you kiss like" and "What Barbie Are You" and I took one that was like "What's Your Secret Fetish". Apparently, my secret fetish is balloons. I'm still wondering about that one. There was this question in there about what you would do if you were on an empty road and you saw a clown. The choices were like, "I love clown shoes, they're sexy" and like, "the clown would do nothing for me unless it was a busy street". Ok, what happened to the choice of "I think clowns are scary and wish they would all die and why am I even on an abandoned road where there is only me and a clown". The closest thing to that was "I would wish the clown was an ugly fat lady", which is totally the opposite of what I would do, but oh well. That's probably why my fetish is balloons.

2003-02-27T16:59:00.000-08:00

All week in IS 12 we have been learning about things like basic human rights and women's movements, and included in the topic is female genital mutilation, otherwise known as FGM in cool, hip, with it terms (duka duka duka, for all you Austin Powers fans out there). Basically it's this practice in Africa and the Middle East where females (usually around 12-18) systematically get their outer genitalia cut off or messed up because apparently someone came up with the bright idea that females shouldn't enjoy sex. These women run the risk of dying or becoming eternally infertile, which is why it's such a controversial issue. [Note to self: Do not get genitals mutilated]. So today in discussion my T.A. actually tried to compare genital mutilation with getting plastic surgery! What?? Hmm...let me think about that one. Would you rather: Get your genitals completely tore up, your clitoris cut off, running the risk of dying or becoming infertile or get a boob job (???). Seriously. I guess the point he was attempting to argue was that social pressures are equal when you get your vagina tore up or get a nose job. Yeah...that's totally the same. Normally I would've said something before you can say "booby", but being that my whole class is practically women I didn't have to. I've never seen a group of women more riled up than when I lived in an all girl suite last year where everyone had synchronized PMS. Then, as if it wasn't enough just talking about tore up genitalia, this girl starts comparing it to male circumcision and how she heard that it doesn't feel like anything and it's just like taking out an appendix. And then my T.A. is like "well, that's what you think". Sick! Ahh?! Mental pictures! Oh yeah, and to top it all off this girl randomly decides to chime in with "I heard that the foreskin makes sex more pleasurable for men". That one definitely wins the random and stupid comment of the day award.
By the way, I can't believe Mr. Rogers died. I thought he was immortal. I feel like a part of me has just...withered away. Now how will I know which order to tie my shoes or change my jacket? So, so tragic...

*Funny Thing That Almost Made Me Pee In My Pants: Today Patricia ordered 4 dozen donuts at Krispy Kreme for her class and the donut lady asked if she wanted it for here or to go. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

2003-02-26T22:03:00.000-08:00

I am now beginning the longest marathon of procrastination I can possibly have until I am forced to actually do some studying. Ok. before 10, I promise. Yeah right. But anyway, I just finished scratching a lot of fat and grease from a baking pan with my bare fingers. It was sick, but oddly...refreshing. Cathy made a concoction of some kind of barbecue/honey/chicken thing that was nummy. Now that I'm fueled up, I'm ready to...not do anything at all. I think I'm one of those chronic sufferers of food coma.
Hmm..what's on the agenda today. Well, I have to write a one page paper on women or should I say womyn to be politically correct and then this random essay on astrological signs...in spanish. Totally easy, right? Well maybe, if you are like a bra burning feminist or si puede hablar español bien. Whenever I have to write essays in spanish I wish I could magically turn into Rico Suave or uh, Carlos Santana (???) for like half an hour so I could write it super fast. I don't know about Rico Suave though, I might turn myself on too much, you know, because long hair, tight pants with holes and vests worn over naked skin are soooo attractive. Oh my gosh, which reminds me:

RANDOM AWESOME/SCARY SIGHT OF THE DAY: So i'm walking back to class on a break from the library (It was only to pick up my paycheck! I swear!) and I noticed I'm behind like four men (not guys, men) walking in a row. Now, I normally don't really care, only that it was the most homoerotic scene ever! Awesome. The guy on the far left was wearing these super tight bootcut jeans and the other three were each wearing different shades of brown tapering pants. Totally scary. They were either grad students or members of the Village People, because their sense of style was oddly reminiscent of the 1980s. My favorite guy was the one walking next to the bootcut guy, he was wearing the darkest shade of brown, somewhere between poo brown and puke. He was wearing the tighest pants imaginable, BUT they had cargo pockets on the sides, and it ddin't help that they stuck out because he had a lot of stuff in them. They should really outlaw nuthuggers with big pockets. And the whole time I was walking behind them they were giving each other pats on the back and those half hugs, so looks like they really enjoyed each other's company. Hmm...maybe a little too much. It was pretty cool that they had such bad fashion but were still good friends. I felt like I was on an episode of Real Life: I Dress Like I Haven't Realized It's The 21st Century But At Least I Still Have Friends. Man, you don't find camraderie like that these days.

Well, looks like I better get to work. Sometimes a procrastinator has got to take a break from procrastinating. It's a pretty tough job, but hey, someone's gotta do it. I really hope I do well this quarter. I don't think my weak body can handle a beating from my parents. If I can pull another 3.5 this time I will be so excited a little pee might even come out! Speaking of which...

2003-02-25T16:12:00.000-08:00

What's worse then walking around all day with wet socks? I mean besides wet socks in a bag or breaking your roommate's prized italian soda glass, wet socks must be in at least the top ten sickest conditions. So today, contrary to popular belief that it never rains in sunny southern California, it rained. I guess this is due to "El Nino" or whatever (which I still never understood because it just translates to the child and I dont know what children have to do with the weather???)...but yeah. So when I walked to class this morning (I actually woke up, yay!) before you could say "damp socks" I'm like practically knee deep in this huge ass puddle. I'm not kidding, this was like a kiddie pool, don't ask me how I didn't see it. Of course, being that I'm already doggy paddling my way out of it I suddenly feel the systematic wetting of my socks. You know, that sudden whoosh of cold and wetness? If I wasn't holding my umbrella in one hand and half a pb & j sandwich in the other I would've shaken my fist at the sky. The only thing I could muster was a dammnit and I had to slosh my way into all my classes. I really hope I didn't have that aged damp smell that collects around moldy pipes and shit. And of course, when I leave class to take another scornful look at the puddle it had drained away... [more fist shaking]
5 hours later, I'm hungry, tired, working, and my socks are still damp and moldy. Good thing they're not in a bag. The only thing that's keeping me sane right now is this incredibly ghetto computer and the fact that I have to stop every other person from waltzing into the computer lab despite the fat ass sign saying that you must check-in with an ID card BEFORE you decide to jump right on. My favorite part is when people read the sign, make eye contact with me and then just continue walking. I wish this scanner gun had bullets (sorry, hunger makes me bitter). Most of the time I don't care, but when your socks are damp and your stomach's empty, someone's gotta crack down on the law that is the Gateway Study Center.

2003-02-24T10:47:00.000-08:00

Shit faced monkey balls! This is like the third time I've written this stupid entry where it hasn't gone through and I have to once again try to recreate my literary masterpieces! It's only because I'm stuck at work with nothing to do that I have the will to write again. Well, let me tell you about my Sunday, again. Basically, to summarize, my day was filled with watching TV, sitting around, being lazy and sitting around. A little overproductive? Yes I know, but I did work on a scholarship, and I did regrettably watch the Grammy's, may I add, simultaneously (self pat on the back for great multi tasking skills). The only highlight of the show was watching John Mayer's facial contortions and tearing over Nelly's crappy performance. Did I say highlight? I meant torture. Apparently he thought mixing Hot In Hurr and Dilemma together would sound really really good. Too bad it sounded really really bad. My dog could've done a better job.
Well anyways, today has been another exciting uneventful day. I have spent the last hour craving for some sort of eatable food product that we just don't have. What's really lame is that we just went grocery shopping the other day and I spent a good thirty bucks only to maintain the same viscious ritual:

1.) Open up pantry
2.) Look in the refrigerator
3.) Close fridge, open up freezer, realize everything is frozen and smells like meat blood, retreat
4.) Go back to pantry in hopes that within the last 5 minutes something good magically popped up
5.) Open up the refrigerator
6.) Repeat Steps 1-5 for a good 10 minutes until my hand starts looking pretty good

I mean seriously, this has got to stop. Who knew being a college student could be compared to starving Somalian children? Pretty soon I'm going to be on one of those late night informercials where people can call in and donate money or adopt me for only $19.95/month.
Oh hey, looks like it's time to start Step 1 again. But before I go I have a random thought. Ok, so, this new 12 year old lesbian/wanna-be Anime schoolgirl phenomenon otherwise known as t.A.T.u...Is it "tatoo" or T-A-T-U? Hmm...interesting. Either way, is it really necessary to make out every two seconds in their video? And in the rain? Guess it must be enjoyable for all those chester/R.Kelly's of the world.

2003-02-22T12:51:00.000-08:00

So it's 12:32 pm and I was supposed to be at work at 9 am. Count how many hours that is. I am 3 hours late for work. Isn't that the most terrible thing you've ever heard. The hours I missed at work could be equivalent to like someone's entire work day. I should be assasinated. Naked. Wait, that would probably be a punishment for my assasinator, better leave the clothes on. Hopefully no one will lynche me too bad. Is that possible? A not so bad lynching? Is that the same as being "almost pregnant"? If you figure that out, let me know.
Thus, this brings me to the present. I thought I would never have one of these journal/thought/diary thingies, but being that I ran out of the house with no backpack, no paper, no writing utensils, I have nothing else to do. I barely ran out of the house publically legal. Ok, I'm wearing pants. Or am I? Dammnit. But on the bright side at least I didn't change into something hideous like turquoise suspenders with the 'safety pin' look, or tapering pants (shudder). So now I am here writing a journal that will probably never get further than tomorrow. But, I'm a big dork so I'll probably still write everyday like a dear diary or some shit like that and then it will come back to haunt me when random people come up to me and ask about my personal life. Being, that I have such an exciting one.
Ok, so I ran out of the house in a flurry, running, may I remind you. I barely ever run, running is like my kryptonite, I automatically get very weak and sluggish and I look like I should be running in the Special Olympics. And to make it worse the damned southern California sun which seems to be always shining extremely bright even during the dead of winter, decides to concentrate all its UV rays on my sweater wearing form going uphill. For anyone that knows me well and my disdain for running outside, you will feel my pain.
Ok, this is probably the most boring journal entry I have written in my life. Even I'M developing a goiter reading it. Sorry guys. Maybe it's the fact that I chose to wear the pants with the large holes in the crotch area. Sick.